I'll hate the phrase "FML" if I want to

I stayed up too late, again, last night. I get myself wrapped up in the computer...flipping from one page to another and back again. It reminds me of the episode of The Cosby Show when Rudy (maybe it was Olivia) thought everyone was having a party when she went to bed. I'm always afraid that I'm going to miss something great if I log off at the wrong time. Anyways the point is I stayed up later than I wanted to.
It was about 7am when I got hit in the arm. My husband reached across the bed and karate chopped. Really.
He was sleeping, of course, but it doesn't really matter when you wake up to a Judo chop to...well to anywhere.
The worst part of that waking moment, though, was looking at the alarm clock and seeing that I had another half hour before I had to wake up. On top of that...I had to pee.
and yet, I persevered. When the alarm went off 30 minutes later I got up and started my day. BUT. I went back to bed about 10 to 8. I didn't have to be at work until 10 so I had about an hour more of sleep I could catch up on. I DO love to sleep!

I was almost asleep when I started throwing up.

YAY for waking up and puking at the same moment!! I made it to the bathroom before making a mess but, honestly, I would rather have made the stupid mess. It was horrible. In all of my years I've never experienced that.

I was sick all morning. Slept all afternoon and caught up on "Seducing Cindy" in the early evening. If you haven't been watching that one you're missing out. Even with cotton mouth and sour belly it made me laugh at the ridiculousness. Eat your heart out Bret Michaels.

Oh, yeah....another joy to the whole sick day? I get to add Chocolate poptarts to my "can't eat that anymore" list.

Go to your room and stay there!

She scowled and she moped and she even threw a fit. She got loud and cranky when she was being taught something she didn't want to learn.
It wasn't the subject she wanted.
It wasn't the teacher she wanted.
She made everyone else uncomfortable and confused and she tried to embarrass the educator.
She even started taking it out on innocent passers-by.
I wanted to shake her until Social Services made me stop.

She's not my daughter. She's not even a child. She's nearly 40 and she's been throwing a hissy fit for a few days because she didn't get her way.

I'm blown away by the behavior of a grown woman. A mom. A professional.

I like her. Yet, if she WERE family this would embarrasses me tremendously. I feel as if she's let me down with her tantrum. I would withhold dessert, take away toys or ground from friends if my child was to act this way.

So, I ask, WHY does a responsible, mature, grown woman get to be a spoiled brat? What is the difference that an immature, irrational, emotional toddler would get her bottom swatted or get confined to time out?
How is it reasonable that I now want to beat my kids into perfect form? Is it acceptable for me to beat HER into appropriate form?

I'm baffled.

I guess I'll just go wake my kids and lecture them on being graceful. They probably need the lesson anyways. It is, obviously, in short supply in this part of the world.

Redeemed!!

So...about last nights blog.
It's been forgotten :) (as proven by the above photo)

I still mean it though. This stuff happens to me.

Knock Knock--Who's there?

It's my husbands turn.
I told him that I was gonna share this so I almost feel obliged to do so.
...
I was awakened sometime in the middle of the night last night by some "gentle persuasions" and was promptly put in a "half sleep, pissed off, confused and compliant" mood all at the same time. All of my thoughts jumbled together in just a few brief moments and the confusion and sleep didn't take long to dissipate.
Do I want to be awakened from such a well deserved moment of blissful slumber? Not necessarily.
Is that really what I think it is poking me in the butt cheek? Why YES, I think it is!
Do I want Sky Rockets at night? YES!
As I warm up to the idea of some groggy loving and start to roll over to face him...
he rolls with me. As in to the opposite direction of me.
He woke me up by humping my leg and when I started to react he promptly rolled to his opposite side and WENT TO SLEEP!
I heard recently (Whether a comedian or friend, I don't remember) "A midnight poke in the hip is NOT considered adequate foreplay!"
Unfortunately, for me, it seems to be enough.

By the way...This afternoon, I told hubs that he prodded me awake in his sleep last night..and with that sparkle in his eye he said "No I didn't."
He was awake and completely aware.

Again I ask...who does this kind of bullshit happen to?!?
ME!

Here kitty kitty

Taylor Lautner is 18 today.
Does this effect me anymore than a Reality crab fisherman's death? Maybe only mildly. Not in the way one might imagine though.
I actually stopped to think about this new "legal" age for a minute. (Because in my mind Taylor Lautner would totally go for me and my old fat ass if he was in town) Does his new status as "adult" make a difference in my dirty old lady mind? Kinda. I liked the naughty of staring at yummy "Jacob's" traps during New Moon. It was so easy to imagine them as handle bars and holding on for dear life! Now that he's "of age" it's not as fun. Naturally, since the legalities are the ONLY thing that was holding me back from such a delicious extramarital slutfest.

Maybe I should find out what Freddy, from ICarly, is really named. I can have a kid crush on that guy for a few more years. At least he won't let me down.
Well, happy birthday Taylor Lautner. I hope you're happy. Don't worry. My heart will mend.

RIP I'll miss your crabs

Captain Phil?
Dead?
Not possible!
Who's gonna keep Cornelia Marie afloat and Jake and Josh in line? Who's gonna keep a never ending cigarette burning while chugging coffee and coughing a laugh. I'm completely saddened by this.
This death is unacceptable.

The birth of a blog

R and I were im'ing on FB and I dropped the bombshell. "I think I want to blog". I told her "it has to have a cool name though...otherwise it's bullshit." I considered that for the name for a minute (otherwise its bullshit) and we decided on "it's not bullshit" for the blatant brilliance. Seriously. I am all kinds of creative.
We discussed some of the amazing (seriously. AH MAZE ING) things that happen to me. Like when the cable guy came and hooked up the cable this weekend and about T, who we work with, and how I was ready to punch her in her ovary today. One sentence. That's all it took from her today before I was ready to push her face into her ass from the top. R and I also discussed S, we work with her as well, and how sometimes she's kinda frighteningly crazy. S's current story? She accidentally sexted our boss @ 2am on Saturday night. S was trying to sext her boyfriend, of course. (Don't tell her husband)
This kind of stuff is COMMON at work.
Know what T said that irritated me to the point of turning the phrase "going postal" into "going hairstylist"? She told me "Me and my kids did something SO cute last night." Seriously? When was the last time ANY adult said "I did something SO cute"?!?! Doesn't that usually end at about 6? 7 years old? I know. Not necessarily the best reason to consider physical harm but T is also the one at work that talks in BAD fake accents ALL the time. Half the time there is no way to understand what she's saying. I actually heard her ask someone for a "spot of refreshment" in a crazy weird, maybe Scottish, accent. What she meant was "cup of water". By the way...the "so cute" event...T and her kids made a budget for their tax refund. ADORABLE!! (and I say here...the same way I did when R and I were im'ing...imagine me holding a finger gun to my temple when I squeel "adorable". and don't forget to make the brains exploding from the opposite temple gesture...just for R).
The best though is the cable guy.
This particular story starts with me going out Saturday night with some girlfriends from work. It's not the point but I REALLY am too old for that kind of behaviour. I've never been in so much pain. Sunday was definitely a "nurse the hangover in bed" kind of day. BUT. I couldn't. We needed the cable guy to install in our bedroom as well.
It might have been LESS awkward for me to stay in bed.
I cozy up in my husbands hoody sweatshirt and try to focus on the book in hand. It hurts.
Cable guy shows up and, after getting the basic info, starts to go about his business. It's only about 3 minutes in his installation when he's in a bedroom and cussing about something. Literally swearing. I'm piqued. I, obviously, am not a very gentle person. "foul mouths" do not offend me. I do however think it's funny that he's "shit"ting and "fuck" ing away in the bedrooms within earshot. Gotta love professionalism.
About an hour in Cable Guy takes a phone call (on his own cell) and starts talking about us. He's not really being mean. He just REALLY does not want to be here. There is literal whining. Again...I'm amused.
The best though? At a later point in his installation service he asks me for "A huge favor". He asks to use the bathroom. I say of course and show him the door nearest me. Remember. I'm hungover. Possibly still a bit drunk. When Cable Guy leaves the bathroom he heads directly outside. It doesn't take me long to wonder why. Did I mention the bathroom was near to where I was sitting? It took a few SECONDS for the foul stench of my, now, Cable Guy soiled bathroom to permeate the air. Honestly. The Cable Guy shit in my bathroom. Left the bathroom door open. Promptly went outside. I'm ready to throw up. LITERALLY. Problem is...one bathroom.
Who does this happen to?!
Me.
Seriously.